Change the Way You Speak to Your Customer

…it is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.

Shakespeare, Macbeth

I’m sure some companies must hate their customers. Why else would they insult them with business gobbledygook? You know the type of thing I’m talking about – advertorials posing as “white papers”, blog posts full of vacuous statements strung together that leave the reader asking “so what?”

The basic formula for this puffery consists of reaching into the word bag of buzz words (“adapt”, “transformation”, “challenges”, and so on) arranging them into sentences and passing the result on to the marketing department.

Here’s one I knocked together with the help of the Gobbledygook Generator:

In today’s fast-moving world, forward-looking organizations are investing in functional asset paradigm shifts. They need to adapt to change in order to stay relevant, but change is forever changing in a changing world. The solution is to adopt speedy transformation in order to achieve quality logistical alignment, and align one’s targets with increased flux capacity. Here are some of the issues organizations face today:

  • People are doing things with stuff
  • Customers want what they need
  • Social media is adding the social dimension to media
  • Dogs hate cats
  • Rain is wet

As we increase our exponential understanding…blah…blah…

It’s meaningless, isn’t it? Just as meaningless and as stupid as some companies’ business blogs.

Here’s a real example of a company’s strapline which must surely take first prize for the biggest steaming turd of a sentence ever:

[This software] is the collaborative business change platform which provides indispensable insights in strategic business initiatives and triggers change across all key disciplines. [It] is appreciated for accelerating the pace of change for teams and individuals.

Please stop. You know who you are. There’s enough harm in the world already. The world doesn’t need any more bullshit. We need honest, plain speaking and openness.

Take advice from Rework:

Sound like you

What is it with businesspeople trying to sound big? The stiff language, the formal announcements, the artificial friendliness, the legalese, etc. You read this stuff and it sounds like a robot wrote it. These companies talk at you, not to you.

This mask of professionalism is a joke. We all know this. Yet small companies still try to emulate it. They think sounding big makes them appear bigger and more “professional.” But it really just makes them sound ridiculous. Plus, you sacrifice one of a small company’s greatest assets: the ability to communicate simply and directly, without running every last word through a legal-and PR-department sieve.

There’s nothing wrong with sounding your own size. Being honest about who you are is smart business, too. Language is often your first impression–why start it off with a lie? Don’t be afraid to be you.

I receive quite a few emails from professional Archi users working in a variety of business domains praising the lack of corporate bullshit in the Archi Philosophy. They love our no-nonsense approach and openness. Perhaps this is the real threat to the dying dinosaur companies?